Posted on by Mark

The Life and Times of Artemis Diehl

Enjoy these brief scenes featuring Artemis Diehl, an American businessman renowned the world over.

Artemis Diehl Hosts Dinner

Thank you very much. I appreciate it. Very nice. Sit down, please. Beautiful hats.1 May 1, 2017, Remarks to the Independent Community Bankers Association

Herby was late for dinner.

Mr. Diehl would not accept an excuse, a reason, a deflection, a scapegoat, or an admission of guilt. Herby spent the rest of his interminable cab ride through the city alternately considering that Greek asshole Zeno, and what he could say to Mr. Diehl upon arrival.

There was only ever one option. It always worked. Sometimes. It came down to presentation and confidence. Herby was prepared, except insofar as he wasn’t at all.

A lone knock was met with no response. Expected. Herby opened the door and walked into the foyer. Although Mr. Diehl was nowhere in sight, he heard the faint echo of irregular pacing. It was a trick of the mind. Maybe. The large clock ticked, ticked, ticked away. He straightened his tie with his free hand as he walked down the hallway and to the left.

“I’m sorry to be so late, Mr. Diehl.”

“Harumph.”

Mr. Diehl had a habit of saying the word Harumph rather then harumphing properly.

Herby proceeded with caution. He walked around the table until he suspected he was creeping into view of Mr. Diehl’s peripheral vision. Mr. Diehl did not avert his gaze or move his chair to avoid visual contact. That was a good sign.

Herby began speaking once he knew his voice wouldn’t crack. “Mr. Diehl, I brought something I thought would pair excellently with tonight’s meal.” He placed the two-liter bottle of Diet Diehl on the table.

“By the way,” Herby said as he poured a glass for Mr. Diehl, “I adore this hat. Thank you so much for recommending me to John. He helped me select it at the haberdashery.”

Herby sat at the table—confidence!—and looked at the plate of chicken. “Oh sir, I’ve been looking forward to these Diehl Wings all afternoon. Being late to eat these is second in my loathing only to having made you wait for me.”

Herby glanced over to Mr. Diehl’s plate of bird bones. His stomach sank.

Mr. Diehl raised his glass of cola towards Herby and grinned. Sneered? It was never easy to tell. “John’s a beautiful man, the best man. He never makes me wait, and I never wait for him.”

Artemis Diehl Reads the Newspaper

Little Barry Diller…only writes badly about me. He is a sad and pathetic figure.2October 10, 2015, Twitter

“Herby! Bring me the Gazette. The Tribune is full of a bunch of brainy boop-bop ‘journalists’ who’ve never seen the real world before.”

“Right away, sir!”

Artemis Diehl glared at the copy of the Tribune on his desk. The headline in Section C, Business, was “Diehl Dips on Deal”. Its byline was the Barry Diller.

Artemis grabbed the paper and tore it in two. At least, he attempted to do so. It was a rather ragged job.

Artemis Diehl Answers a Direct Question

I spoke to him last night. I never met him. I never spoke to him. I’m very happy with him.3 September 27, 2017, Remarks in an Exchange With Reporters

Herby gestured to Sarah Jennings from the Gazette. “Yes, Ms. Jennings?”

She stood, assured in her immediate role as a reporter with the Gazette, knowing everyone assembled was prepared for her to curry favor with Artemis Diehl. “My question is for Mr. Diehl. How do you respond to the allegations that your office underpays, or at times entirely fails to pay, its management and laborers?”

“Sarah, that’s a very mean question,” Mr. Diehl said. He waggled his finger at her before opening his arms to the crowd. “Isn’t that rude? I invite her here in this gorgeous, tremendous ballroom—really, I can’t believe we’re here, except that I paid for it; it’s almost as big as mine! You can print that—and she asks a mean, rude question like that? Allegations? What a big word for the Gazette. I haven’t heard anyone allegate anything to me, unless you’re doing that now, Sarah? It’s mean. We’re here under these tremendous lights, chandeliers—covered in gold, they told me—and I’m being allegated against.”

Artemis Diehl Pays His Bills

I think it’s a shame that we’ve had a deal like that and that we had to sign a deal like that and there was no reason to do it and if you’re going to do it, have a good deal.4 February 3, 2017, Interview with Bill O’Reilly of Fox News

Herby looked at the stack of unpaid invoices. He spoke to the man hidden by the pile. “Sir, shall I handle them in the usual manner?”

Nothing.

Herby cautiously peeked his head around the pile. Mr. Diehl did not meet his gaze, but gave a furtive nod before spinning in his chair to face the window. Herby collected the papers and walked across the room. He opened the sleek metal drawer and deposited the lot into the incinerator.

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