I’ve been sitting around, trying to determine what I wanted to write for this week. I’ve had a few underwhelming posts over the past month, due to some time constraints and missed deadlines, so I’m really aiming for ideas with a bit more substance.
I try to make note of some ideas I have, whether that is quotes from books I read, ideas from podcasts, little pictures, or just something that pops into my head that I want to save for later. I was going through those notes and determined this is the right time to get to something I heard a high school girl say at a Starbucks a few months ago.
My number one thing is I don’t want to look stupid.
Some girl at Starbucks
This comment stood out to me, and I immediately wrote it down in my phone. There had been a crescendo in conversation that led to this comment, and while I don’t remember the specific context, it certainly had something to do with the homework she was working on with her friends. It just really stopped me in my tracks. Of course many a high school student is known to use a bit of hyperbole, but she said it with an immense amount of sincerity, almost matter-of-fact.
Perhaps if I were 40 years older, I could have said something wise and helpful, and been taken slightly seriously. Instead, that comment has just sat on my phone and I’ve thought about it, and will now share my opinions with a very small audience on the internet.
At the core, there is one issue I have with this statement: It is anti-progress for this person. I don’t want to use trendy phrases like “growth-mindset”, as they often leave a bad taste in people’s mouths due to it being the new way of thinking. However, the ability to see failure as an opportunity for growth, and the willingness to move beyond mistakes are both vital to developing yourself in a positive manner. Looking stupid is just a superset of these results. Even if nobody else perceives us in the same manner, if we make any public-facing mistake or failure, we assume we look stupid and view ourselves in that light.
Of course I’m generalizing, but that’s because I believe everyone has felt this way at some point. Most of us still do quite frequently. In fact, one of the most recent projects I’ve started at work requires a good chunk of what I write to be directly reviewed by the CEO. It’s very stressful when I move the task to him, and even more so when I’m about to open up the finished review document. I can empathize with the thought of not wanting to look stupid, yet I think it’s an unhealthy way of viewing one’s life.
Instead of focusing on not looking stupid, or almost equivalently, focusing on looking smart or capable, focus on being the best you can be. Yes, perception matters in many situations, but if we can get the work done and improve ourselves while disregarding (or in spite of) how others perceive it, it is much healthier, and eventually the perception will follow.
In the end, we have very little control over how others view us. Despite our best efforts, some people will jump to conclusions for better or worse. Everyone has their own way of forming opinions about people around them. Some people can let words go by, and care mostly about actions. Others show incredible grace and forgiveness in many situations, and view an inherent goodness. On the other end, there’s a quote I’ve been reading somewhat frequently: You can be the juiciest, tastiest, best-looking peach in the market, but there will always be someone who just hates peaches.
There will always be a self-absorbed drive in all of us, but our number one goal should not be giving into that drive and letting it rule over us. Instead, it should be developing ourselves so the role of that drive is mitigated, and slowly replaced by healthy drives where we do things for the love of it, or because it’s right.