Packing Up Stinks

My thanks to Jack Prelutsky.

Packing! Oh, Packing!
I hate you, you stink.
I wish I could throw
All this stuff in the drink.
These terrible boxes
Are crowding my floor.
I’m getting so flustered
Each time through the door.

Packing! Oh, Packing!
You’re making me ill.
These thick cubes of cardboard
Are getting their fill.
The crumpling of paper,
The ripping of tape,
All makes me just want to
Run off and escape.

Packing! Oh, Packing!
How can there be more?
Somehow our apartment’s
A general store.
Tchotkes and treasures
And bobbins and toys,
All sorts of clutter
I cannot enjoy.

Packing! Oh, Packing!
What else can I say?
I wish I could ditch and
Get out of this fray.
I’m swimming in boxes,
These prisms abound.
Where once there was happiness
None can be found!

Packing! Oh, Packing!
When can I be done?
Is it time for a break
And a romp in the sun?
“Of course not,” says Packing,
“You’ll never be through.
“I cannot be sated,
“Let items accrue!”

Packing! Oh, Packing!
You mistress of harm.
I’m hurting my back
And have aches in my arms.
A burgeoning tower,
Oppressively brown,
Is building around me
And getting me down.

Packing! Oh, Packing!
I swear I’ll be free.
Sisyphus doesn’t have
Boulders for me.
Soon we’ll be done,
All our life hid away.
Then it’s time to unpack!
What a glorious day.

There’s No Such Thing as Bad Publicity

AUSTIN, TEXAS—Staring deep beyond his bathroom mirror, George Kurtz, CEO of Crowdstrike, repeated “There’s no such thing as bad publicity” under his breath. He let his head drop and began absentmindedly splashing water on his face, hoping the bags under his eyes would disappear before the back-to-back-to-back interviews that began the next hour.

Looking back up, he wiped down his face with a nearby hand towel embroidered with the phrase “Keep Austin Weird” and forced a haggard smile across his face.

“It was horrifying, seeing that smile,” said one anonymous witness. “It’s like he was auditioning for a new role as Joker.”

Kurtz began muttering to himself, with the comment “It’s just like Zoom during the pandemic” heard by passersby. He was seen thirty minutes later driving his Tesla Model X. Other drivers on the road noticed the man putting his head into his hands at every red light.

Later that day, Kurtz was seen staring at banks of computer monitors steeped in blue screens.

Local Business to Make Play for Enterprise

ELKHART, INDIANA—John Wheedle, founder and owner of Wheedle & Sons Whittling, presented his plan to “go after the big market, starting with those hotshots down in Fort Wayne” during a gathering of business professionals and entrepreneurs at the Elkhart Community Center.

The evening’s theme was Aim for the Stars. Group members were encouraged to present on ambitious, long-term plans and then receive constructive feedback. Wheedle was third to go. On his way up to the podium, several attendees recall him saying “This is going to knock their socks off.”

“As makers of fine doorstops, paper weights, and other wooden office accessories,” Wheedle began, “we believe there is a huge untapped audience for our products beyond local craft fairs and the odd sale via online marketplaces. Corporations are filled with people eager to show off something fun and unique in the workspace, and we believe those same corporations will see the benefit of ordering custom-made, locally-sourced items crafted by me and my two teenage sons.

“We can accept a large number of orders, specific to each employee, as long as it’s one of our four available items and the custom messaging uses one of our two fonts.

“As a first step, we’ve registered for rewards Credit Cards at both Home Depot and Lowe’s to obtain the best possible rates on our core supply materials. We can’t scale without a solid supply chain, and the fine folks at Lowe’s Store 2942 have assured me they can meet our burgeoning demand.”

Wheedle received a strong positive reaction at the end of his presentation, with one person, later identified as town corner-store mogul Janette Mische, yelling “Get ’em Wheedle! Go all the way to Indianapolis!”

The presentation was not without its critics. Sources say there were concerns about whether this proposed change in business structure would alienate Wheedle’s core set of customers in town. An anonymous attendee said, “We love ambition here in Elkhart. It really is one of our core principles. But we’ve seen this play out in companies like Slack and Dropbox and Toys ‘R Us, where corporate greed makes the original goal null and void. I’m worried Wheedle & Sons may fall into the same trap.”

We reached Wheedle for response. “The spirit of Elkhart is central to my company. We use local landmarks as inspiration for our designs, and will continue to ensure we proudly display our Made in Elkhart stamps at the bottom of every item.”

When asked about the recent investment capital he received, Wheedle clarified. “Well, yes, we do have to make that message smaller and place it below the prominent Funded by Amazon, Screw You Etsy etching. But that’s a small price to pay for quality products making their way across the country.”

At time of printing, Wheedle reported that he and his teenage sons were bonding during their 18 hour garage shifts overseen by a friendly blue-vested Amazon manager.